God gives us challenges to open our eyes and move us

I know it's been a while since I have posted - I apologize for that.  Today, I can actually think of several topics, but most days I can't decide that what I have to say is "blog worthy".  Some things are facebook sound-byte worthy, but not BLOG WORTHY.  This topic I believe is blog worthy, conversation worth, billboard worthy, commercial worthy, and so on... 
I would like to believe that I have always had a heart for people with disabilities - at least as much as the person next to me did.  I have always opened doors for people on crutches or for a mom pushing their child in a wheel chair, but I don't think I ever fully understood their situation.  My mom has hurt her ankle before and I have taken her shopping in a wheelchair - a difficult and exhausting day.  I have pushed my now 91 year old friend around in a wheel chair many times while taking her to the doctor or to eat.  My best friend, Sky, in Oklahoma City even has a child, Jones, who was born with spina bifida.  He can walk a little, but he depends on a wheel chair for most outings.  I knew it was hard for each of them, but until I was sitting in my wheelchair fully dependent on others and the accommodations buildings and events made, it never fully hit home.

About 12 days ago I broke my left foot and tore a ligament in my ankle.  I am in a hard cast and not allowed to put weight on it at all.  This would be much more minor if I was not already what Grady sometimes refers to as a "defective model" that he would like to send back.  I have a bad neck with a bunch of hardware in it.  Therefore, crutches and I don't really get along.  10-15 feet on crutches for me is really pushing it - if I manage not to fall, my neck and shoulder end up screaming at me.  Instead of crutches, my mobility options are: a knee scooter (called a rollabout) I borrowed from a friend's husband who had recently used it following foot surgery or a wheel chair.  The knee scooter is good for medium distances and great for around the house for the most part, but it doesn't work for long outings.  That's when I turn to the wheel chair.  I attended a meeting followed by church last night on the scooter, but by the time I got to church, I sure did wish I had that chair (and so did my fat little sausage-looking piggie toes).

I'll start with just the issues in my home.  I live in a nice 2 story home that was built in the 1970's with a stair case that makes a U-turn.  We don't have any bedrooms or full bathrooms downstairs.  Our doors between rooms are not wide.  I was very fortunate that Price has a trundle bed so Grady and the boys brought it downstairs to the living room for me.  I do have a bathroom down here, but no shower.  If I want to take a shower, I have to go to my parents' house and have someone help me.  (They live in a 1 story home with a walk-in shower with a small ledge).  I can scoot up and down the stairs on my rear, but once I get up there the doorway to the bathroom and the positioning of the tub and toilet don't lend themselves to usefulness.  I have made this journey twice in the past 12 days simply because I wanted to pick out my own clothes.  I now have a "closet" down here which is really a chair that has several comfortable clothing items on it.  I don't tell you all of this to say "poor me" - I tell you this knowing full well it is temporary and I will survive with flying colors - better, stronger spiritually, and more aware.  But imagine if this was a sudden and permanent life change.  Now take it a step further and imagine if I was a person who would never be able to come up with the means of making my home accessible.  This breaks my heart for the people I know that are in that situation.

Now I will tell you what I have seen from my new perspective outside of my home.  The day I landed myself in this predicament, I was at a Christian Women's conference.  It was being held at the ORU Mabee Center in Tulsa.  While I am certain their building meets what is considered acceptable ADA accessibility standards, I consider this building (and pretty much every other place I have been) less than congenial to people with disabilities.  Much of the issue is that the buildings are retro-fitted with their ramps and other accessibility features.  That entire building has ONE elevator.  There is ONE accessible bathroom on the main floor - the rest you have to go down about 5 stairs to get to the bathroom...or you could choose to get on the ONE elevator and go back down to the main floor where there was another accessible bathroom.  There were TEN THOUSAND women at this conference.  The ONE elevator and ONE bathroom does not make for an accessible venue.  The Mabee Center also doesn't have automatic or push button doors.  I have seen very few places that actually do.

Mellencamp and the other more popular singers came out, I just sat looking about derriere height in front of me.  Not the view I really hoped to have.  Going to the bathroom there wasn't even an option.  One set of bathrooms in the place and far from accessible.  After the concert, they pushed me the 1 1/2 blocks back in the rain to where they had put our keys behind a bar because the valet had closed 30 minutes earlier.  They had told us that would probably happen and that our car would be parked about another half a block away.

I could go on and on about all of the obstacles that have been placed in my way during these past several days and the bumps in the sidewalk, but I don't want you to miss the point.  This is not about me - my circumstances are temporary and mild in comparison to so many.  My point is to hopefully have you see some things through the eyes of someone who is stuck in this predicament long-term.  I want the world to do more than the minimum to be compliant with the Americans with Disabilities Act.  I want everyone to see beyond their own perspective and see other's.  I want a world where a group of 10,000 Christian women wouldn't consider getting on that ONE elevator unless they physically require it when there are stairs or an escalator readily available.  I want a world where people wouldn't consider parking in disabled parking unless they truly need it.  I want a world and a community who looks at a child who is in a wheel chair for life and asks, "What can I do to make their life easier and more enjoyable?"  If a person comes home from the hospital to live in a wheelchair permanently or even somewhat long-term, I want the community to be there ready to build a ramp or widen their doors or whatever they need to make their home comfortable.  I realize this is a BIG dream, but every open eye makes a difference.

To further open your eyes to people with mental and physical limitations, please, consider reading the book "Petey" by Ben Mikaelson.  I read it in about 4 hours.  It was another tool God used along the way to open my eyes to the needs of others.

I will end with a happy 6th birthday wish to the boy I told you about earlier in this post.  This is Jones Dilbeck, son of Sky and Jeff Dilbeck, and he is my little Superman.  I want the world to be different for him and so many others in similar situations.

Reflections on 2011

As I sit here in our Durango, CO, condo on our last full day of vacation, I am reflecting on the expectations I had for 2011.  I have been thinking about the past year for the past several days - normally, I would be focused on planning my "new year's resolutions" - though I rarely ever keep any of them.  This year worked out to be absolutely NOTHING like I expected from where it started.  I looked back through my Timeline and here are a few of my Facebook posts from this same time last year:



Dec. 31, 2010:  Who decided black-eyed peas are lucky? I really dislike the darn things, but I'm determined to make 2011 MY year so I'm not willing to take any chances....

Jan. 1, 2011:  Black-eyed peas are cooking, money has been swept in, and the riding of the broomstick with the packed bag is complete!

Jan 3, 2011:  Change your hair or makeup, move around your furniture, try out new clothes, paint your walls...it really doesn't make much difference...those are all superficial "fixes". The result of each is the still the same; only the truth will set you free in the new year. Let's all seek truth...
Comment below that:   All that being said, I do have some remodeling to do and I must rededicate myself to a healthy lifestyle. Ahhhhhh, the new year...

I even remembered thinking I was failing so miserably at the new year that I tried to start it again on April 1st and posted this on April 2:
Today's #TDL email is entitled "OWN your AWESOME" - how very fitting for my renew year start - and, oh!, how I plan to do just that! ;-)


We didn't remodel much that we planned to remodel - but we did repaint Payton's room and put in a new front door.  When we are home in our family room, we still stare at the same 3ft. x 3ft. patch of unpainted ceiling from a sheetrock repair done so long ago I don't even remember when that leak happened.  We haven't put down new flooring, yet - our geriatric inside dog, Maddie, is the hold up there.

Those exterior renovations to our life don't summarize a thing about our year as a family.  We have ended this year stronger as a family and better off spiritually than we have ever been in the 13 years of our family.  We arrived here through snowstorms, illnesses of family and friends, shaving out the negative influences in our lives in as many areas as possible, and focusing on helping others and counting our blessings.  We have made some life-altering decisions to slow down and enjoy each other more.  I have learned that we have very few true friends who will be here for us, but that our family will endure everything together.  I have learned that doing things for other people in need is a great expample to our children - and you should never expect anything in return other than God's blessings.  In life, there are givers and there are takers - I want to raise givers.  I think this year more than ever, we have focused on showing the boys how to give...they don't always get it, but we are working on it.

All of that being said, the biggest thing I learned in 2011 is that God gave me the perfect man when He gave Grady to me - even when I wasn't seeking God's help in finding him back when I discovered Grady in 1997.  (One of these days I'll tell y'all the story about how we met.)  I haven't always appreciated Grady as I should have - he and I both know that.  No matter how rosy a picture everyone paints of their life on Facebook, there are ALWAYS rough times in marriages - that's what makes real life real.  2010 ended and 2011 began and continued to be really rough for us in numerous ways, but that was about the time we started going to church as a family.  I fully believe that each of us having a daily relationship with God is what has saved our family in the tough times.  Somehow, during this year my eyes were completely opened to how great I really do have it.  I am grateful that Grady seems to have been born blind to all of my imperfections...He always tells me how pretty I am and what a great wife and mom I am even on the days I look in the mirror and see an ogre.

So, here is my hope for 2012:  I pray that I end 2012 as happy as I am at the end of 2011.  Sure, I'd like to lose some weight and so would Grady, but other than prolonging our life together with our family, that superficial stuff just doesn't matter at all.  All that matters is what our family of 2+3=5 think and we are ending 2011 happier together than we have ever been.  I do believe we learned to "OWN our AWESOME", but in a better way than I ever intended.

A Month of Thanks - Why I am thankful for my neck problems

     I am a Facebooker and saw the trend of daily thanks going on this year for the entire month of November.  I have participated in the first 3 days with these 3 posts:
         1:  It's "thankful" season: I am thankful that I have the ability and opportunity to help other people when they need help more often than I need help. 'Tis far more fulfilling to give than to receive.
         2:  Wed., Nov 2nd: I am beyond thankful that this week is half way over. The nice way of putting it is "challenging".  (I posted that one late at night after an EXTREMELY difficult day at the office.)
          3:  Day 3 - I am thankful for my husband who has never stopped loving me, not even for one single day. We all know that we all have our unlovable days...and I probably have more than most. Love you bunches, Grady.

     Today, a Facebook post just won't cover that for which I am thankful because at first glance it's not going to make any sense.  Friday, Nov. 4th:  I AM THANKFUL FOR MY NECK PROBLEMS.

      For those of you that don't know, I am a dentist.  I graduated from OU College of Dentistry in 2000 (6 months after our oldest son, Parker, was born in Dec. of 1999.)  We moved back to my hometown of Vinita that July and I began to practice dentistry full time.  Our other 2 boys were born in June of 2001 and December of 2002 - 3 boys in 3 years, each 18 months apart.  I STRUGGLED with working full time and my desire to be home with my boys.  Honest truth be told, all I ever wanted to truly be in life was a stay at home mom.  People may wonder with that being said why in the world I went to 9 (yes, NINE) years of college if I really wanted to be home with my babies once I had them.  The answer to that question mostly lies in the fact that my mother - a very bright and driven woman -  always told me that I needed to make a career for myself that did not require me to be dependent on any man.  (That's a whole other blog post in itself.)  Anyway, once I went to all of that school and accumulated all of those student loans, staying home just wasn't an option.  I HAD to work.

     I worked really hard (in my opinion) for those first six years.  At one point, I was the only Sooner Care, Oklahoma's Medicaid coverage system, dental provider for 3 counties which encompassed about 17,000 children if I remember correctly.  When I was pregnant with my last son, I can remember taking a break in the middle of seeing patients and just resting my head on the countertop in my operatory.  Working on kids is much more difficult on necks and backs (again, in my opinion) than working on adults.  I have to contort my body to meet a kid where they are rather than placing them exactly where I can best see and expecting them to sit still.  Those contortions in combination with bad genentics caused me to end up with 2 ruptured discs sometime between 2004-2006.  I hurt really badly for a couple of years before my surgery in August of 2006. 

     My neck surgery to fuse C4-6 did not go as planned for a variety of reasons.  I trusted the surgeon because he had twice operated on my dad many years prior to my surgery and those went well.  It turns out I caught him in the twilight of his career and he skipped a diagnostic test that should have been done prior to the operation.  As a result, within a few weeks of my fusion surgery, the disc above and below the level of the fusion also ruptured.  (The opinions I sought after my surgery from other doctors said from my MRI at least one of the 2 was predictable and should have been included in my surgery.)  Part of my left hand, my non-dominant hand, is still numb.  I have permanent nerve damage.  For well over 2 years, I had hand tremors.  Obviously, you can't work as a dentist with shaky hands.

     The tremors finally resolved, but I live with chronic pain.  Bottom line is:  the more I work, the more I hurt.  The days I work, 95% of the time, I have to take pain medicine and a muscle relaxer when I get home.  However, as negative as that sounds - I choose to see it as a BLESSING.  My neck problems forced me out of full time dentistry allowing time for me to be predominantly a mom.  It's still a financial challenge at times - thankfully we had taken out a disability policy that helps us.  I now work a day (or maybe two) in the office a week - other than when Dad is away and I work then.  When I am not working at the office, I am either with my boys, volunteering for something that will in some way impact my boys, substitute teaching at one of their schools, or doing their laundry.  ;-)  I love my profession as well.  I enjoy seeing the patients the days I am there and enjoy being a part of the Oklahoma Dental Association - I have spent a lot of my time volunteering there, as well.

     I did not always see it as a blessing - and the days I am really hurting, I might forget temporarily that it is a blessing.    I get depressed that I can't ski when my family skiis, push a full grocery cart without hurting, or other things I used to take for granted.  I used to be really depressed that I "wasted" all of that time in dental school and can't be there for my patients the way I used to be.  But, I realize that if I weren't a dentist, I wouldn't have the same opportunites to serve in my community that I do now.  I also know that my personality needs that outside world contact that I might not get without my job.  I'm a definite people person and some days I get a bit lonely when the boys are gone to school and Grady is at work.

     The moral of the story is:  My neck problems are part of God's Perfect Will for me.  It has given me the best of both worlds.  I get to work just enough to fulfill my need to help others through dentistry and I get to stay at home to be the mom to my boys that I always wanted to be. So, therfore, I THANK GOD FOR GIVING ME A PERFECTLY FLAWED NECK.

Remember: SOFT only

I probably won't make many posts pertaining to dentistry, but I think this is an important one.  Growing up a dentist's daughter and becoming one myself, this was something I assumed for many years that everyone knew, but I have learned I was wrong to make that assumption.

Only buy soft (or extra-soft) bristled toothbrushes :)

I'm not sure why the toothbrush manufacturers even make ones with harder bristles than that, unless they intend to sell them on the cleaning aisle.

My patients who use medium or hard have done so most of their life and are difficult to convince on this one, but once I explain it, they usually understand.  They feel like the softer ones don't get their teeth clean enough.  In actuality, harder bristled toothbrushes can strip your gums back from your teeth as well as damage the enamel.  Both of those effects lead to tooth sensitivity because they expose more of dentin - the part of your tooth that isn't insulated from cold.  Think of it as gently massaging your teeth clean instead of scrubbing them.  Sooooo... the moral of the story is SOFT ONLY - save the scrubbing for your dishes, floors, etc.

Parker thinks he has "evidence" that he's the favorite

     Parker is in the 6th grade and is working on his autobiography for school.  The chapters on birth to age 5 are due on October 10th.  So...yesterday, I pulled out his baby book to get the information from that first year.  The detail in the book from during my pregnancy is quite all encompassing.  I was actually shocked when I found out I was pregnant since I was told that would be a near impossibility for me by doctors.  The baby book has the date written down I took the 3 pregnancy tests, where I took them, and even this little keepsake thing with the 2 lines on it.  Parker was the first baby in either family in something like 20 years.  The joy ushering him into the world was immeasurable.  I have a paper with his first 36 words written down in order as well as his abbreviations for words and the phonetic spelling for how he said them, etc.  I marked down the date he got each of his teeth.  The information is surprisingly complete up until about the time his brother arrived 18 months later...
     Our boys are each 18 months apart.  Parker turned 3 years old 9 days before the youngest, Price, was born and Payton is perfectly placed in the middle. (Not a planned thing - God's plan as assisted by nursing babies.)  Parker was pretty much potty trained right up until Price arrived - then we had 3 in diapers and 3 with pacifiers.  I can remember people looking at us like we were crazy.  Our middle son, Payton, was quite a challenge (now he's the easy one).  I don't think he stopped screaming for the first 3 years of his life - he had colic which later transitioned to just plain impatience.  When the youngest was born, he spent 10 days in ICU and didn't get to come home from the hospital until 3 days before Christmas.  Mom stayed with me at Ronald McDonald House so we could be with him and Grady and his mom held down the fort back home with the other 2 babies.  All of this is background information to explain that...THE OTHER 2 DON'T HAVE MUCH OF A BABY BOOK.  In fact, I'm not sure Price has one at all...I am going to have to do some searching.
     They aren't too happy about this realization.  Parker is using it as evidence that he is the favorite, most loved child.  There aren't quite as many pictures of the younger 2 either.  Some of that has to do with the transition from film cameras to digital cameras and some of it has to do with being too busy chasing around a toddler (or 2) and caring for an infant.  I am thinking about when Payton and Price get to 6th grade how much harder it will be to write their autobiographies without the detailed chronology of their first year.  I did keep a very detailed Mommy calendar back in those days with the entire family's information in it, but I don't think they will look at it quite the same.  They want me to be able to hand something over to them and say, "This is yours and it's all about you."
     As bad as I may feel, I got to thinking about how hard it must be for a child to write that autobiography who either doesn't have a Mom who remembers anything or didn't write anything down or for a child who maybe doesn't have anyone in their life at all from those first years.  I guess that child just has to make it all up?  I think they have to write 8 pages on those first 5 years.  Thinking about that just breaks my heart.  Maybe I'm not so bad, afterall...

Update 10/11/11:  turns out that I DO have baby books for all 3!  I'm having a little trouble finding all of the calendars that truly summarize day to day life, but THEY ALL AT LEAST HAVE A BABY BOOK!  YAY!!!

Popsie's 60th birthday!

Today is my dad's, Stephen Mayer's, 60th birthday.  We celebrated as a family last weekend since he went to Wisconsin with Mom a couple of days ago on a little vacation to see his sisters and my Grams.  He is truly a great Popsie - the boys adore him.  I am so thankful he chose Mom and Brian and I all of those years ago and continues to choose to take care of all of our family.  He works so very hard to provide for ALL of us - between feeding us whenever we are all together, keeping up the pool,  attending every school and sporting function he possibly can, and a multitude of other things I could never manage to list.  He is truly a great Dad, Popsie, husband, dentist, and all-around guy.  If you don't know him, you are definitely missing out.  We love you, "Hey, Popsie..."

Popsie with all 5 of his grandsons: (from left) Nana (Janene), Chase Walker, Israel Mayer, Payton Ward, Parker Ward, Popsie, & Price Ward

 The birthday cake Price and I made for him last weekend

 Dad (aka Popsie) and I at a baseball game this past Father's Day

I need to also mention that today is Grady's Meme's, Norma Jolley's, 86th birthday.  We love her, too...she's a cutie ;-)  This is an old picture of her and our boys with Papa Jolley - he went on to be with Jesus on Dec. 1, 2010.

TRYING SOMETHING NEW

I have no real NEED for a blog...  As Parker just asked a bit ago, "Who's going to read it?"  I replied, "Maybe no one...other than Daddy".  I just thought it would be something fun to try after reading Cecily Butler's this morning and some of her old posts.  I don't know how often I'll post or what it will necessarily be about, but I am willing to embark on a new adventure.